Mentally Isolated

8 weeks

8 weeks of staying indoors

8 weeks of no socializing

8 weeks of looking at the same 4 walls

8 weeks of staring at the TV

8 weeks of the same old shit

8 weeks to make me feel like i’m starting to become slightly unhinged

While I feel like this is probably the right amount of time passing before I lose my marbles, it doesn’t make it any easier. I feel like I have hit a brick wall. A big, over baring, isolating, thick wall that I can’t see over or around & right now I am just curled up at the bottom of it waiting. I don’t even know what it is I am waiting for. Probably my She-Ra spirit that I know is there somewhere, that fight that makes me get back up every time there’s a set back, that little voice that says to you “you got this” but I can’t hear it right now.

I now have my own mood swing in the garden so I can really enjoy these highs & lows.

The highs being when I am feeling motivated, when I feel like I am Wonder Woman & I wan’t to fix everything around the house, I want to decorate it & make it look all pretty.

I want to get in the kitchen & batch cook a weeks meals so future Mel doesn’t have to worry about dinners for a while. I want to finish doing my Tax return, I want to sand down my skirting boards, I want to organise the loft, I want to make cakes & learn Yoga.

But I can’t.

This is when the low sweeps in & knocks me off my feet & I am just laying there looking up. Because what’s the point in getting up again?

It can be caused by a comment, it can be an action, or lack of. But it feels like a punch to the stomach, it’s painful & it feels totally unnatural. But it’s also kind of comforting in that it wraps it’s arms around you & envelopes you & feels like an old friend. I find it hard to talk about why I am feeling this way, physically I mean, even writing this is causing a massive lump in my throat that I can’t swallow. But I had to brain dump it somewhere.

The lows are not sleeping properly, not wanting to cook, not wanting to talk to anyone, it’s being stuck between wanting life to go back to normal, but being scared of what the new normal is going to be! I get ready to paint the wall & just stand there staring at it thinking over & over again, I can’t do this. I will f*** it up. It’s feeling guilty for not doing the stuff you want to do. Or feeling guilty for doing f*** all.

And it’s seeing really shit posts on social media along the lines of…..

“I don’t know how people are struggling, at least you don’t live in some third world country, at least you’ve got a house, heating ect….”

Let me just put this out there – it’s OK to feel like shit, it’s OK to struggle, it’s OK to have a full on tantrum & hide yourself away for a bit.

It’s NOT OK to make people feel shit for feeling shit.

This is such a hard place to be in. It’s hard to try to be happy when it feels like nothing is happening. It’s hard to get up in the morning & face another day knowing you will feel like this at some point & sometimes it feels like there’s no reason what so ever for feeling this low.

I know things will get better eventually. I know that I do have lots of people that love me, I know people are there if I want to talk. I hope if you’re feeling like this, or are starting to, that knowing someone else feels the same helps a little.